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Parkinson's Disease
Parkinson's disease is a fictional ailment invented by Michael J. Fox in an attempt to further the evil Liberal agenda of murdering babies. Basics The first basic sign of a disease that causes involuntary shaking to the point of embarrassing yourself is initially detected in a patient as even the gentlest quivering in any way brought on by feelings of compassion or sensitivity to beauty, truth (as opposed to truthiness), or goodness, anything that betrays uncertainty in the view of anyone who holds more power, money, or capacity for gain over you, other than you yourself and Bakenshake, your most embarrassing friend, thereby causing awareness of said shaking. Uncertainty in the face of certainty displayed as betraying involuntary movement is a sign of weakness and must be resisted at all costs when possessed by the Jesusy force of unmoving Truthiness, the key invisible ingredient to every successful cocktail served in every boardroom, golf course bar, or business suite where the descendants of Quakers and Shakers have eaten oatmeal, and been shaken down for godly purposes with a stiff drink of pure Being. Martin Heiddegger spoke of this in his untranslatable treatise The Disease of Being where listing, shaking, trembling, and falling down are listed as somatic statements equivalent to the higher functioning mental prologues that history was unable as yet to reveal in time, beyond the contingent state of regret that attends the counterpoint couterpoised with synthetic counterfeit valuation by qualitative Truth-for Yourself-Already, a concept he deduced as essential to Being in Denial during his denazificationin in 1946. In the Prolegomena of same he proposed three categories of truth palsy. The shaking, the state of Going NowHere Fast (in which he departed from Hannah Arendt's variant formulation, when she called him the philosopher who got her NoWhere faster),, and the state of On that will not be Off and its equivalent antipode, Off that will not get it On already. A whole lot of "being-what-for-itself" leads to movement for its own sake and the no movement movement, the ultimate hypocrisy exemplified by anarcho-syndicalist Congregationalists and advocated by liberals, pseudo-Orthodox readers of Rumi, and their fellow traveler Quaker brethren, imposing post-Platonic formulas on pre-Platonic forms, with weeping and gnashing of teeth, constipation and blurring in its later less than lucid stages of becoming a Good-for-Itself- for-Nothing subjectivity and hyper active cross referencing , for which no awareness is cure, as opposed to any solution posed by the social justice movement as they shake their stiff fingers at us and our shaky certainties. Stiffen your upper lip and shake your head no, I will not be moved. Moving on. '''' Symptoms The "symptoms" of this "disease" include being Canadian and repeatedly leaning back and forth, a common tactic employed by liberals to confuse their enemies, similar to the actions of snake charmers. Our great American hero and neurologist, Dr. Rush Limbaugh, MD, Phd., was quick to strike a blow for truthiness against Mr. Fox, revealing Mr. Fox's admittedly admirable acting skills as well as his extensive ties to Communism. An apparent addiction to Bye Bye Bravermann, Don't Dream It's Over, claiming to be but not being a Pisces, only working for scale, being Jewish posing as being for itself, listening to Return to Forever forever, forgetting your glasses, not putting CD's back in their cases, and working in bookstores for too damn long are often thought to be certain precursors of said "disease" for those with self described high IQ's from Michigan. Who Is Likely to Get Parkinson's Waiters, copy editors, lovers of the music of Mahler, glassblowers who love reggae and were alternate delegates for Dennis Kucinich, Dennis Kucinich's hair consultant, software geniuses who play banjo, take up violin in their forties and quit when they get too good, ex-Pentecostal deadheads who read too much Vonnegut and saw Jesus in jeans once, New Jersey caterers way too into Phish, White Would Be West African translators who cook in French whose mothers love Bob Dole, recovering residents of Fresno who still believe that God is a talking lion, in their fifties, and smoke pipes in hopes of getting laid as often as C. S. Lewis, and 80 year old librarians who name their son after the President's brother when he appears on a late night talk show in 1962. The ultimate and certain symptom of this pseudo-illness is a bout of free association syndrome, resulting from too little dopamine, reading The Nation magazine on the john, and a disregard for the profit motive as the first principle of Judeo-Christian ethics. Shaking is not however the chief manifestation of the demise of late night capitalism, as ridiculously asserted in the wannabe Christian Communist Terry Eagleton's unpublished minorum opus, The Post-Human Critical Truth Fatigue Palsy: You Stiffed me You Shaky Bastard (published by University Press Books 2012 an End Times Imprint) Treatment Avoiding anything animated or requiring animation software enhancement or "meta-tweeking" as shaking animists are prone to calling it while losing their ATT connection when downloading the newest version of being-for-the-anima, a Jungian shadow ap, whether holding an ipad or not. Eat salty fruit backward while trying not to quiver. Take up archery but never use the word quiver. Never watch Gilligan's Island with Slovakian subtitles in Bratislava in your girlfriend's nightgown. Drink at least one hand shaken milk shake a day. While quaking like a Charismatic choir boy pretend to be Jacques Lacan on acid interviewing Pat Buchanan's dog about the truthiness of Occam's Off Ox. Stand as stiff as a board and try to feel bored whenever joy is suspected of creeping up on your dream of God's dream of Truthiness as Chief Symptom of Being for Himself.. More conventional treatments involve taking dopamine replacement medications like Sinemet, but the evidence for the efficacy of such treatment is quite shaky, and has been met with stiff resistance from alternative practitioners of Shaker medicine who believe that building furniture and avoiding oatmeal is all that is required to bring all unwanted movement to a complete standstill. See Jack Haley. Medical Advances The newest medical trials have shown the following therapy to be effective in patients who don't believe in the Placebo Effect, God or Christopher Hitchens. Take 1 Vicodin, 2 Klonopin, add a shot of Macallan Cask Strength single malt Scotch, three donuts, turn on Pink Moon at 78 rpm on your Grandmother's Victrola, and set yourself ablaze. Don't forget to skipe to Stephen, Michael J. Fox, Michael Kinsley, Beck, and Glenn Beck. Mention truthinesss while referring to Heidegger's views on the White Negro and obtain a coupon to Shake God's Stiff Hand in person in the sweet bye and bye. Controversy There are some members of the factonista who may claim that Mr. Fox was actually suffering from an advanced, crippling neurological disorder. However, it is also important to note that this disorder affects the brain and that true knowledge comes from the gut, making the proponents of these so called "facts" gutless and very likely either furniture builders (see Shaker) or under the influence of the Quaker delusion. In addition, Mr. Fox's constant physical movement can also be considered as a sign of waffling.